Buck’s love for Eddie started out as a caring best friend. Well, technically it started as a deep hatred (which, upon further review, was a ton of jealousy on Buck’s part), which then morphed into a quickly-growing friendship, which then turned into a one-sided pining festival. It was much easier to watch from afar, wishing that Shannon, Ana, or Marisol was actually him hanging on Eddie’s arm. Imagining what life would be like if he was the one Eddie asked to move in, rather than Marisol. Pining was easier than admitting his feelings out loud. But it never made it any easier to accept that it would never happen.
As years went by, and he experienced more and more crazy things, Buck grew to rely on Eddie. In hindsight, maybe he was a little too codependent on him, but it wasn’t his fault. Really, it wasn’t! Eddie was able to worm his way into Buck’s heart (which wasn’t hard; Buck was very dependent on the family he curated for himself), attaching the two of them together by an invisible string wrapped around their wrists. Even if Eddie didn’t see that string, Buck did. And he held the knowledge of it close to his heart.
Despite not really existing, Buck had always believed in the invisible string theory. Every single person on Earth was connected to their person. He was destined to meet Edmundo Diaz at some point in his life, and when that moment came, he felt it. Like a tug on a string wrapped around his wrist, he felt it.
At first, he tried ignoring it. He tried being mean to Eddie, just to scope out if that feeling was a real one. He’d heard horror stories of people being so anxious to meet their person, that they jump in headfirst without testing the waters. Buck, being one of the most protective people of his own heart, preferred to test those waters with people. Eddie proved to be the one. Ever since, Buck’s been in love.
Buck remembered his feelings shift when the earthquake hit. Bobby had sent them off together for the second time, a mere two weeks after the bomb incident that forced them to work together for the first time. Now, Buck had always feared earthquakes. Living in Pennsylvania his entire adolescent life, earthquakes were few and far between, and usually didn’t amount to much. After doing some research while traveling as a young adult, one of the major downsides to living in California was an earthquake. It had been something he prayed he’d never experience. Being in the middle of one was a whole other story.
He and Eddie had relied on not only their skills, but each other, to stay alive. Maybe it was Buck relying on Eddie more than Eddie relying on him, but they learned how to balance their flow. The earthquake was the first time that Buck got familiar with how well their brains work; it was like being connected to the same singular brainwave with Eddie. Buck knew what Eddie was thinking before Eddie ever had to say it. Eddie was prepared for Buck to take action before Buck was ready himself. The universe crafted their minds to work perfectly together. When he realized that, his heart raced a little faster, his mind short-circuited a little more often, and his cheeks flushed a little more rose every time Eddie smiled at him.
And honestly, Buck got years of that, all to himself. Nobody ever got in his way of that. When Shannon came back, Buck still had Eddie’s attention and Christopher’s trust. When Ana stepped in after Shannon’s death, Buck was Eddie’s makeshift therapist and Christopher’s safe space. When Marisol came along, Buck was Eddie’s shoulder to cry on after finding out she was a nun, and he was Christopher’s secret hiding spot when Marisol was being too much of a mother hen (which Buck fumed at; she treated Christopher like a glass doll. Like he was fragile and breakable at the first little hiccup. It was enraging). No matter who came and went in Eddie’s life, Buck was a constant. And for Buck, that meant the world.
Then Bobby and Athena’s cruise ship went down, and he met firefighter-pilot Tommy Kinard.
From the stories he’d heard from Hen, Bobby, and Chimney over the years, Tommy was a firefighter at the one-eighteen for quite some time, up to a few months before Buck showed up. Tommy wasn’t exactly the greatest person in the world back then, but Chimney told him it was because of the old captain. Before Bobby, there was Vincent Gerard, who apparently was the worst of the worst when it came to captains in Los Angeles (Buck used to shiver then they talked about him. hom*ophobic, sexist, racist, you name it, that man was it).
Tommy transferred out not long after Bobby took over, and Buck took his place a few months after. Honestly, Buck hadn’t expected Tommy to look so much like Eddie. Broad-shouldered, dark eyes (though Eddie’s were brown and Tommy’s were hazel), curly brown hair that could be slicked back with gel. They even had the same clothing style, similar past experiences, and similar mannerisms. It was hard not to like Tommy. But after the rescue, and everything returned to normal, Buck wanted to hate Tommy.
First, it was Tommy and Eddie going out for beers. Buck babysat Christopher that night, because he was Eddie’s go-to babysitter when plans came up last minute. Thankfully, Buck and Eddie worked the same shifts every single day, so they never had to worry about last minute plans leaving Christopher alone. But that one night turned into multiple nights in a row. Then it was Tommy and Eddie playing basketball every Thursday in the pickup game (the same pickup game Buck always said no to, because he hated basketball with every fiber in his being). Then, it was Tommy and Eddie finding every excuse to hang out together.
Slowly but surely, Buck was shoved out of Eddie’s life. Their platonic dinner dates (in which Buck always demanded he was the one to cook, because Eddie can’t, and eating out wasn’t always healthy) were few and far between, until Eddie started bailing every week, and Buck quit asking him to come over. Sure, Buck was getting more and more time with Christopher, which he adored, but at the expense of losing time with Eddie? He didn’t care for that.
In addition to that, texts and calls were sparse. Eddie had seemingly forgotten how to respond to Buck’s messages, but would be on the phone with Tommy all day if he got the chance. Tommy, on the other hand, was already bad at texting with Buck, but it only got worse the closer Eddie and Tommy got. Eventually, Buck quit trying. Their point was made.
Buck made the biggest mistake one Thursday to attend the pickup game. As someone who hated basketball, Buck thought it would be a great way for him to get their attention. And sure, it worked for a while! Tommy was surprised to see Buck show up, and Eddie scoffed playfully, asking Chimney, who Buck had invited to go with him,“how did you get him to come? He always says no to me!”
But Buck, ever the emotional man, couldn’t keep his emotions at bay. He was placed on the opposing team from Eddie and Tommy, which already bugged him. But it felt like they found humor in humiliating his inability to understand basketball, which really bugged him. In the end, Eddie was the one on the floor, Tommy was the one trying to distract Eddie from the pain of a sprained ankle, and Buck was the one staring at the two in shock, wondering how he let it get this bad.
Buck did his very best to avoid Eddie after that. He would be mindful of what he said around others, avoided the topic when Christopher asked what happened, and stopped reaching out to Tommy completely. The only person who knew what happened was Maddie, and she had scolded him for letting his jealousy get in the way of such an important person. He deserved to hear that.
Only one week later, however, Buck, along with the rest of the one-eighteen, was invited out for drinks by Tommy. Tommy had placed them all in a group chat and invited them all at once. Buck was the last to respond, feeling the obligation to say yes after Eddie, Chimney, and Hen had agreed (Bobby was left out, much to Buck’s dismay, as he and Athena took time off to recover from the cruise ship disaster). Saying yes filled Buck with so much dread, but saying no would look petty. And Buck could not afford to be petty.
Buck was the last one to arrive that night. He had put off getting ready for so long that he made himself late, which frazzled him a bit, but he shoved it aside when he walked in and saw Tommy fitting into the team so well. Too well. All over again, that long-lost feeling of being replaced creeped itself into the forefront of Buck’s mind. It was like Lena Bosko all over again.
Except Tommy had a place there, once. He gave it up. It’s not the same.
“Evan, you made it!” Tommy called, and God did Buck want to turn around and drive right back home. Tommy’s smile was warm and welcoming, his eyes lighting up with glee when they made eye contact for the first time. And the way his name rolled off Tommy’s tongue? His real name? “I was starting to worry you were going to bail on us.”
“Right, uh… Sorry, I was doing something earlier and lost track of time,” Buck replied, slipping in the smooth lie he had spent the entire afternoon meticulously crafting, just in case. He slid into the only open seat, which was between Tommy and Chimney, and gave Tommy a half smile. “I would have texted, but… You know. That’s illegal when I’m driving.”
“We’re just glad you made it,” Hen said to him, reaching across the table to pat his hand. She gave him one of her encouraging smiles, and Buck almost forgot about how uncomfortable he felt, sitting beside the man who took Eddie’s attention from him.
Buck tuned out most of the night, if he’s being honest with himself. Chimney was the first to get drunk (he’s a lightweight, from what Maddie tells Buck. Chimney gets drunk very easily), and was firing off at the mouth so much that the other members of the table were laughing until they couldn’t breathe, Buck included. Add a drunk Hen into that mix, and Buck could have swore he was on the precipice of passing out.
Eddie was next to get drunk, and Buck learned just how touchy Eddie can get when he’s drunk. Tommy was last, and was also a touchy drunk, so Buck got to sit back and watch, completely sober, as Tommy and Eddie leaned on each other, or used each other as crutches (ironic, since Eddie was hobbling around on his own crutches, thanks to the injury Buck caused him) to wander through the bar. They sang karaoke together that night.
Buck felt like he was living in the deepest, darkest, most painful pit of hell that night. It felt like third wheeling. Or fifth wheeling, since Chimney and Hen were in their own world, cracking jokes at each other and being best friends. He felt isolated. Unseen. Lonely. Chimney had Hen, Eddie now had Tommy. Who had Buck? Buck had Buck.
There was only so much he could take, until he urgently excused himself from the table, placed his money for his one and only drink, and went home. Based on what he saw online, Tommy and Eddie were at that bar for another few hours after he left, and boy, did that hurt. It was like they didn’t even care. Eddie didn’t care.
So much for our invisible string.
—
Evan is leaving. He’s upset. Those were the first words to register in Tommy’s brain when Evan took off in a rush. And even though his mind was sluggish from the drinks, he was acutely aware that Evan’s departure was coming.
The entire night, from the moment he had shown up, Evan’s eyes had been downcast. His shoulders were tense. When he wasn’t holding his one and only beer his hands were folded in his lap. Tommy knew that sort of thing very well: Evan had been trying to make himself small; Evan wanted to disappear from the table, and go unnoticed. Being the naive friend he was, Tommy gave him that.
Tommy didn’t know Evan like he knew the others. Hen and Chimney, they had a history with him. They had worked together for quite some time before Tommy chose to go and get his pilot’s license. Eddie had been so open to a friendship after the cruise ship. The two of them clicked so well. Both ex-military men with an interest in muay thai and vehicles. Eddie had his sense of humor, his interests, and similar taste in music, food, and drinks (both alcoholic and non-alcoholic). Eddie was like the perfect friend for Tommy. But Evan? He was a whole other story.
Evan was reserved, kept to himself. Eddie had warned him of that; Evan was hard to crack most times. Apparently, he had a long history of trust issues, mommy issues, and daddy issues. It took a huge toll on him as a kid, and those unresolved feelings bled into his adult life, which made him struggle to trust new people. Tommy had decided to take that information and advance delicately.
When he first met Evan, he could feel the radiating fear of losing Bobby and Athena (which he later found out were the parents Evan never had. Which made Tommy’s heart hurt for him). That fear reflected in Evan’s gorgeous blue eyes, and if Tommy had never looked at them the first time they met, he would have definitely been less likely to lie to the fire chief.
He kept himself reserved for most of the trip out to sea, choosing to sit back and fly while listening to the banter of the new one-eighteen. Though, he only really tuned in to listen when Evan would speak. His whole mantra of the new motto being “who cares?” was one of the cutest things Tommy had ever heard a man say, and he’d had more than one boyfriend since transferring to being a pilot. They all had their own special qualities. But none of them had ever struck him like Evan had.
After returning home with Bobby and Athena, Tommy swapped phone numbers with Evan, with the intention of keeping in touch. For a while, things went great. They would text throughout the day, and Tommy eventually made it into the good graces enough to receive Evan’s morning “dog meme” photo, which he found out was the photo of the day to predict how Evan’s day was going to go. Which was also adorable.
Tommy learned a lot of things about Evan through Eddie. He had always thought that Evan was always going to have a piece of him that was locked down so tight nobody could get to it, but then Tommy started hanging with Eddie, and he learned so much more about Evan than he thought he ever would. He started hanging with Eddie more consistently, not just because Eddie was the closest thing to a best friend he’d had since Sal, but because he wanted to learn everything he could about Evan.
Watching Evan leave the outing he planned like that made him sober up a bit. Something was wrong, and this time he wanted to be the one to figure out what was going on. So, days later (after some coaching from Eddie on how to handle this kind of situation), Tommy showed up at Evan’s unannounced. When the door opened, he was met with confusion from Evan. Even confused, he looks adorable.
“Uh, hey-hey Tommy,” Evan stuttered, clearly struggling to steel himself from the shock of the company, and his company at that. Tommy couldn’t help but ache for him.
“Can we talk?” Tommy asked, giving Evan an expectant look. Evan stepped aside and let him in, giving him a nod and a, “Uh, yeah. Yeah, c-come on in.”
Tommy stepped inside of Evan’s apartment, taking in just how gorgeous it was. Spacious, clean and pristine, it was so Evan. “Wow,” he said teasingly, “maybe I’m working at the wrong station. I should come back to the one-eighteen, if they’re paying like this.”
Tommy glanced over at Evan, only to be met with the tiniest hint of apprehension mixed into that shocked confusion. Okay, maybe that was too soon, he thought to himself. Family is important to Evan. It’s hard to step into his family and be accepted.
“Can I get you something? I still owe you a beer, right?” Evan asked, and Tommy couldn’t help but smile at how hard Evan was trying to be a good host. It was sweet, yet in character for the Evan he had come to meet through Eddie’s stories.
“No, I’m good. I won’t stay long,” Tommy replied, shaking his head. “I just wanted to clear the air-” he noticed Evan tilt his head to the side, a confused look spreading across his face. Cute. “-and I didn’t want to do it over the phone, or in a text, or something.”
Evan’s confusion really shone through in his tone of voice: “Clear the air about what?” And oh, bless him for pretending to be oblivious.
“Obviously, I’ve been the cause of some bad blood between you and Eddie, and I just want you to know that was never my intention.”
“There’s no bad blood,” Evan replied right away, and Tommy knew that was a lie. Evan had replied too quickly; something Eddie had told him was that Evan couldn’t lie for sh*t. He was the worst at it, and the key indicator was that he talked too quickly when he was lying. Tommy kept that in mind.
“Really,” Evan continued, striving and straining to get his point across, “no bad blood. Just… Bad behavior, and it’s all on me. You guys did nothing wrong… Actually, you and Eddie being friends makes… So much sense.”
“Eddie is a pretty cool guy,” Tommy replied, keeping his tone light and non-confrontational. That was another thing Eddie clued him in on; when situations with Evan were tense, it was best to keep the conversation friendly. “I like him a lot. You have good taste in friends, Evan.”
“Yeah, I… I know.” Evan’s tone shifted to one of resolution. Tommy had the sense he was going to lose this conversation just as quickly as it had started, but then Evan glanced down at his fidgeting hands and continued, “Sometimes it’s strange, not seeing him for weeks, other than shifts at the firehouse.”
“That’s what I wanted to talk about, actually… Eddie and I have noticed you pulling back. We never meant to shove you aside, Evan. It had nothing to do with you, him and I getting to know each other better.”
“That’s usually the problem… I tend to take issues that aren’t about me and make them about me. Unwarranted jealousy adds up.”
“In your defense… I was pretty envious of the new one-eighteen. When I was there, it wasn’t a family. Captain Gerard wanted us to do our jobs. But Captain Nash? He’s created a special family there. You’re very lucky, Evan.”
“They’re all really important to me…” Evan murmured, and Tommy’s heart clenched. The emotion Evan had in his tone was so moving, even though the shift was subtle (it was getting easier and easier to hear the shifts in Evan’s tone, and Tommy was not going to complain about that). “They’re the functional, stable family I didn’t get to have growing up.”
“You were all willing to sacrifice so much for each other. Hen was willing to lose her job for Bobby. That’s so… So different from what I experienced as a firefighter. I have to admit, that envy was burning real bad when I realized that.”
“You were part of that too.” Tommy felt his inner body temperature rise a couple degrees, melting at how determined Evan was to include Tommy as an honorary member of the team. “You flew us out to the ship, even at the cost of your job. You put your life at risk for a captain you didn’t work for very long. You even made fake mouth static at the fire chief. I mean, I have a lot of guts, but that? That crosses the line.”
Tommy chuckled at that statement. “Come on, you have to admit, it was pretty good. Right?”
Evan smiled, and Tommy’s heart soared. “Eh… Not really. It was pretty bad.”
Evan’s smile was very contagious. “Hey! I think it was great.”
“It wasn’t convincing at all, Tommy-” I like the way my name sounds coming from your mouth. “-but you did it anyway… You joined us without a second thought-” I did it because you looked at me with so much fear of losing the world you crafted so carefully. “-and… And I thought that was awesome. I thought you were awesome. That’s why I started talking to you outside of the job. I wanted to get to know you.”
“Yeah? Well, I kept answering because getting to know you seemed just as awesome, Evan.” The moment was coming. A moment Tommy was quite familiar with at this stage in his life. It was building, and God help him if things don’t go the way he thinks they’re going to go.
“And I was so excited to be talking to someone new… Then you and Eddie started hanging out a lot- and look, I get it. Eddie is amazing. You two have a lot in common, and he’s just… He’s addicting to be around.”
“Nothing says he has to be the only one I spend my time with. I saw you eyeing the planes. I could take you on a tour of the pilot hangar, or take you on a flight that isn’t putting our lives in danger.”
“On the same day?”
“Probably not… The hangars are quite big, and taking you out to fly is a time-consuming process.”
Tommy didn’t miss the look of relief in Evan’s eyes. Or the way he deflated a bit, releasing tension that built so subtly, even Tommy’s sharp eye missed it. “Good… ‘Cause trying to get your attention has been kind of exhausting.”
What?
Tommy just spent the last few weeks listening to Eddie talk his ear off about Evan. Learning everything there was to learn because Evan didn’t trust him enough. Eddie was tied to the invisible string on Evan’s wrist, Tommy had been sure of that. “My attention?”
—
“My attention?”
The way Tommy said that made Buck’s heart flutter. All evening, he and Tommy had been bantering back and forth, subtly flirting with each other (or, Buck felt like they were flirting, and would be very embarrassed to be shown otherwise). Buck had been losing his mind over the way Tommy treated him so delicately, yet didn’t hold back on the punches when things needed to be said. For the first time since meeting Eddie, Buck met someone who saw him as a healing human being, not some broken ragdoll they could throw around. It was refreshing. Attractive.
“Yeah… Yeah, I guess so,” Buck replied with a tiny shrug. Then his conversation with Maddie came to mind, and he couldn’t help but smile and duck his head a bit. “I mean… I did maim my best friend. My sister says there are better ways to get someone’s attention-”
His airflow was cut off by a strong hand gently grabbing his chin and lips pressed against his. Without hesitation, his body melted into the comfortable feeling of being kissed like that. So delicately, with so much care and love, yet just enough of an edge to scream, shut up, you’re rambling yourself into a hole. The hand hovering on his chin was soft, kind, loose enough that he could pull away if he needed to, but firm enough to be a grounding statement of, I want this, and I think you do too.
Buck would have kissed Tommy Kinard for hours if his lungs had the capacity to do so. Tommy was so perfect for him. Broad-shouldered, dark hazel eyes that look intimidating, but instead hold so much kindness. Strong hands, a smooth-as-honey voice with a sense of humor that perfectly complemented Buck’s own, and hair that could be slicked back with gel, if the occasion arose. Before tonight, Buck had never considered he would be kissed by a man. But to be kissed by a pretty pilot? Maybe fate was finally on his side.
The invisible string on his wrist tugged to Tommy. It was always tugging to Tommy.
When Tommy pulled their kiss apart, Buck’s brain stopped working. He was aware enough to be able to agree to a dinner date on Saturday, but other than that, their short conversation was lost to him. Other than Tommy begging him to call Eddie and talk to him, of course.
Right. Eddie. Things got a little more awkward after that. Especially after his first failed date with Tommy at a diner, the same diner that Eddie and Marisol showed up to. Buck wasn’t ready to tell Eddie. So he lied. Buck is a terrible liar.
Tommy had convinced him to talk to Eddie, and after a lot of hesitation on Buck’s part, he bit the bullet and decided to do it. Buck’s intentions were to invite Eddie over and clear the air, and once Eddie was healed from his sprain, Buck invited him over to drink. Though, it was unnecessary, because the moment Buck hit the send button on his text, Eddie walked in the door (he used the key Buck gave him years ago. Maybe Tommy needed a key?).
“Hey… That was fast,” Buck decided to joke, which did grant him a smile from Eddie, but not much else. “Come on in. Want a drink?”
“God, please,” Eddie sighed in reply, climbing up into a bar seat at Buck’s counter. Buck opened his fridge and grabbed two bottles of beer, handing one off to Eddie. He steeled his hands to stop them from shaking, to avoid giving Eddie any indicator that something was wrong. Eddie seemed to be going through it. My sh*t can wait, he comes first.
“Is… Everything okay, Eddie?”
“I was going through some of Marisol’s stuff. You know, to help her unpack.” Right. Marisol lived with Eddie now. Buck couldn’t pinpoint why that bothered him as much as it did. “I found a picture of her from before my time… She was a nun, Buck. It was like being jabbed in the side with a taser full of catholic guilt. Everything she and I have done was on display for Him to see.”
“Wasn’t He always watching? I mean, I’m not really religious by any means, but isn’t that what they say? He’s always watching?”
“Well… Yeah, but before this, I didn’t know she was that religious. It just…” Eddie shivered. “It bothers me.”
“Okay… Maybe you should talk with her. Make her explain it to you. Is she currently a nun?”
“She claims she isn’t… I don’t know. You and Tommy have the right idea. Just hang out with the boys.”
Buck sat back and watched Eddie take multiple swigs from his beer, his gaze shifting from annoyance to anguish when his phone went off yet again. Based on the groan that ripped itself from Eddie’s throat, Buck assumed that text message came from Marisol. She’s probably asking him to come home.
It was now or never. “...Do you, uh… Remember when you and Marisol saw Tommy and I at that diner? You know… When I told you we were going to ‘touch some chicks’-” Buck grimaced. That was humiliating. “-after our dinner?”
Eddie snorted, and Buck felt his cheeks burn a bit. “Yeah, I remember. That was like, the other day, Buck. Funny as hell, though. I’ll give you that-”
“It wasn’t just dinner,” Buck said, cutting Eddie off. He needed to get this out. “It was a date…”
Buck watched Eddie like a hawk, reading every single motion, every expression, everything he could latch onto as moments ticked by. Saying it out loud created a tornado of feelings in his body. Humiliation, for being so different from the person Eddie had come to know and care about. Pride, for being able to tell his best friend how free he feels. Shame, for going against the social norms he should be following. Many more conflicting thoughts that tugged on his wrists in two directions. One direction towards the positives, one towards the negatives.
“Tommy’s gay?” were the first words out of Eddie’s mouth, and Buck had to bite his lip so hard to avoid laughing at that. Of all things for Eddie to be confused about, that was the question of the day?
“I mean, he doesn’t wear a badge that says ‘hey, I’m gay!’ on his chest… But yeah, uh… He came by after that night he invited us all out. One thing led to another, and…” Buck shrugged, turning his gaze away from Eddie. The shame was burning, and he couldn’t look at Eddie. “...He kissed me. And I liked it.”
The silence between them was deafening in Buck’s ears. He was willing Eddie to say something, anything, that gave Buck a sense of what he was thinking. It was a bombshell to drop, and Buck was aware of that, but he needed something from Eddie.
“Hey…” Eddie murmured. It grabbed Buck’s attention, and he looked back over to see Eddie leaning forward on the counter, towards him. Before Tommy, I’d be a mess. “This changes nothing between us… Got it? You’re my best friend. What makes you happy makes me happy. Tommy is a great guy, and it kind of makes sense if I’m honest. But if he hurts you, and you never tell me, I’m going to give you hell. Got it?”
“You’re not… Weirded out?” Buck asked hesitantly. “I mean… You don’t know me as this kind of person. You know me as… Like… A womanizer.”
“Buck, people can change… And even if you haven’t changed, people can figure these things out later in their lives. It’s nothing bad for you to be figuring yourself out now. You’re still young, you know?” Eddie reached forward and placed a hand on top of Buck’s, and Buck felt his wrist tighten. The string is back. Why is it back? “This changes nothing. Absolutely nothing. We’re still going to be best friends. I’m still going to care about you.”
For the first time in weeks, Buck didn’t feel like he was suffocating. For a change, life was working with him. It was letting him have something good without ripping something else away from him. Both wrists were tightening; the strings were pulling tightly. Pulling him to Eddie and to Tommy.
Buck let out a sigh of relief, giving Eddie a smile. “Thank you, Eddie…”
—
Buck should’ve held his tongue on the universe being in his corner. Days after talking to Eddie and rekindling their friendship, his unwarranted jealousy multiplied tenfold.
Of course, Buck didn’t expect Tommy and Eddie to stop being friends after Tommy kissed him. He loved that his best friend and Tommy were as close as ever. They spent a lot of time together, whether it was basketball, or drinks, or some other thing that Buck didn’t get invited to, or didn’t care about doing. Something along those lines. They were always so smiley and happy together, and Buck loved that for them.
But God, was it frustrating sometimes. Every single time Eddie told him about something he did with Tommy, or Tommy declined a home cooked meal in favor of doing something with Eddie, Buck felt his chest burn with so much jealousy, it was sometimes suffocating. Sue him for wanting to show off his cooking skills to someone he cares about. He and Bobby had been working hard at perfecting Buck’s skills in the kitchen (plus, Buck loved the one-on-one time with Bobby. He’d never been one to enjoy cooking, but after he and Bobby started working on it, Buck found every excuse he could to create recipes, bake for the team, and save a ton of money on takeout in favor of cooking), and Buck wanted to show off those skills to him. But he was always too busy for that.
Eddie, on the other hand, had continued to have Buck be the designated babysitter when he and Tommy were busy. Now, Buck loved Christopher to death, and would gladly take him any chance he needed to. But there were days when Buck wanted to spend time with his best friend without a child around. Old habits die hard, he supposed, but it didn’t make him feel better.
Buck supposed things were different now, which is why he was more jealous than before. Tommy was something more than a friend now, and Buck was supposed to mean more to Tommy than Eddie did. Instead, it just seemed like he was convenient for Tommy when Eddie was busy, or Tommy wanted something to do. So for once, he decided to take action, instead of worrying about what might happen if he spoke out.
He waited for weeks, however. Even though he was dead set in his ways, he was still afraid of pissing either of them off, and instead decided to confront them separately, rather than together. It was easier to take one down at a time. And honestly, talking to Tommy was the harder issue to tackle, so talking to him first was something he wanted to get out of the way first. He had been able to convince Tommy to skip a Friday night with Eddie for dinner together.
When Tommy showed up, Buck opened the door to that same warm smile that makes his heart flutter and tugs on that invisible string around his wrist. “Hey, love,” Tommy greeted with that smooth voice, and Buck beamed at him like a child.
“Hey, Tommy,” Buck replied, wrapping Tommy in a quick hug that was returned. “Come on in. I’m almost finished cooking. I made us pasta.”
“Oh yeah?” Tommy stepped inside of Buck’s apartment, shoving the door shut behind him. “Home cooked, huh? That’s pretty exciting. Eddie’s told me you make a killer lasagna. When you don’t burn it, that is,” he added at the end with a playful tone.
Buck flashed him a smile, despite the sinking feeling in his stomach. Don’t bring up Eddie. I want tonight to be about us. “Yeah… I guess it’s kind of popular, isn’t it? I learned from Bobby. He spent a lot of time teaching me how to cook.”
“Bobby cooks? Man, what I would have given to have daily meals on shift. We were lucky if Gerard had food set aside from any of the places in the city. Most days, we were left to fend for ourselves.”
“Bobby likes cooking. I don’t really remember when he started teaching me… Maybe after I was trapped under a ladder truck. Like, after I got back to work and he stopped being mad at me… Honestly, I think it was his way of making sure I was safe and by his side. For a while after I came back, he was hesitant to let me do anything dangerous. It started with me cutting his vegetables. Then we just progressed.”
“I’ll always be envious of the bond you have with Bobby. Vincent Gerard was a horrible man. He was the furthest thing away from a father figure, or just a role model in general. Bobby turned the one-eighteen into something amazing.”
Buck grabbed the plates, bowls, and silverware he needed to set the table, continuing to talk as he placed everything they needed for dinner. “Yeah, well… I guess I got pretty lucky, having a captain who cares so much about me and the others. He’s made it very clear just how much we matter. Though… He did try telling me that the firehouse wasn’t a family.”
“I can definitely tell that changed,” Tommy chuckled. “How did it change? When did it change?”
“I’m not quite sure how it changed… But I think it changed when Hen and I went to Bobby’s apartment to help him. We were saving a woman from a plane that went down in the water. Bobby nearly drowned with her, but I was the one to find a solution to get her out of the plane and get him out with her. Then the two of us went to his apartment to save him from himself. After that… He put more effort into getting to know me.”
Buck could have melted under the proud smile Tommy was giving him. That smile made his stomach churn in the best way. Made his heart skip a beat. “He’s important to you. I can see it in the way you smile like an idiot.”
“They’re all important to me…” Buck pulled his main dish off the stovetop, then took it over and set it on his table. “But now I have you. You’re incredibly important to me. I value your time a lot, Tommy… Spending time with you is something I want to be able to do more.”
Tommy took a seat at Buck’s table, glancing over the food Buck put his heart and soul into. “Everything looks incredible, Evan. You’ve outdone yourself.”
“I tried my best to make it a good spread. I know I’m only feeding the two of us, but I wanted options for you.”
Dinner went off without a hitch. Buck poured the two of them wine in the middle of the night, his cooking was a smash hit, and they got along without any issues. Laughter, kisses, bumping feet under the table, everything was perfect. On a whim, Buck decided to forego confronting Tommy and Eddie. His dinner with Tommy went better than he was expecting, and he saw no reason to bring anything up. In his eyes, they were okay. Things were fixed.
—
The last time he and Buck had been within Tommy’s vicinity together, Buck shrunk in on himself. Buck was quiet, reserved, and didn’t really speak up unless he was directly spoken to. It was so out of character for him, and Eddie couldn’t help but wonder what was going on. Even after Buck came to him about being on that date with Tommy, which he later found out led to more dates and the ‘boyfriend’ label, Buck was a different person unless he was with one of them alone. And it gave him a tiny bit of peace when Tommy noticed it.
So, Eddie and Tommy made a pact to get together more often, talk about what was going on with Buck. Every free chance they got, they would go somewhere together to discuss what was happening with him. Their talks never really got anywhere, but it was good enough for Eddie. He was at least getting another person’s perspective on what was going on with Buck.
Then Buck invited Tommy over one night, and Eddie got texts throughout the night (secret texts that Tommy swears Buck never knew about) about how Buck was perfectly fine. It was like nothing was wrong. Though, Tommy said when he first got there, Buck looked nervous. Wringing out his hands, shifting his weight back and forth, typical Buck fidgets. But as their night went on, things were fine.
Eddie devised a plan for him and Tommy to work on together. They needed to take Buck out together and see just what was going on. Tommy came up with the idea to go out for drinks, the same way they did the night he went and kissed Buck for the first time. Except now, it would just be the three of them, not the entire team.
In his head, Eddie thought it was a great idea. His original thought was that the entire team was there, so Buck was quiet. It wasn’t normal for him, but if he was secretly crushing on Tommy, maybe he wanted to not make it obvious. Which in hindsight didn’t work well, but nobody mentioned anything until after word got out that Buck and Tommy were together, so he supposed it still went in Buck’s favor.
Eddie parked in the lot behind Buck’s loft, sending him a quick text to say, your ride has arrived. He then sent a text to Tommy, letting him know where he is and how long they’d be, and sent it just moments before Buck climbed into his truck.
“Hey, Eddie,” Buck greeted with a smile, clicking his seatbelt into place. “So, where are we going? You were very vague in our texts.”
Of course I was. I didn’t want you to bail, Eddie thought to himself. “Just out for a couple drinks. Carla has Christopher for the night, and I’m in the mood to go out for food and drinks tonight. It’s been a while since we’ve been out for food together.”
“Yeah… It has been a while, hasn’t it? Are we going to the usual?”
“Of course we are. I like the food there the most.”
Eddie kept Buck talking the entire drive across town. Which wasn’t hard, because Buck loved to talk when he was in his comfort zone. It always made Eddie’s heart melt, seeing his best friend so comfortable. Being the one to bring him that comfort was even more heartwarming. It was so rewarding.
Eddie watched the smile on Buck’s face slowly fade away as he caught sight of Tommy’s truck. He knew something was going to change, but Eddie was hoping Buck would be a little more excited to see his boyfriend. Instead, he looked like he was staring at a ghost and was trying so hard to hide it. “Tommy is here?” Buck murmured hesitantly.
“Yeah… I kind of lied to you a bit. I invited Tommy to come with us. You’re his boyfriend now, you know? My best friend and my new friend are boyfriends.”
“...Aren’t you afraid we’d make you a third wheel? I don’t want to do that to you… You don’t deserve to be treated like that, Eddie-”
“Buck, please, quit worrying. I can’t be a third wheel when I like both of you so much. For the love of God, don’t get in your head about this. I’m begging you.”
Eddie climbed out of his truck, flashing a smile at Tommy, who returned it to him. The smile Tommy had for him, which was friendly and playful, softened and shifted to have so much love in his smile. “Hi, Evan,” Tommy greeted.
“Hey, Tommy…” Buck murmured, walking up and giving him a hug. Eddie saw the smallest ghost of a smile on Buck’s face, which made him feel good about the evening to come. Maybe Buck won’t be so closed off tonight.
Eddie was the one to guide the three of them in and get their seats at a table. Tommy and Buck on one side of the table, Eddie by himself on the other. They were relatively quiet at first, scanning their menus for their drinks and food (all three of them ended up ordering glasses of the same tap beer, but each of them got a different meal), then fell into quiet chatter for a while during the wait. Buck was settling down, letting the tension roll off his body, and Eddie was very grateful for that.
“There’s another pickup game this week,” Tommy said to Eddie. “I’m going. Are you going to join us?” Tommy then smirked and added, “or are you still hurting too much, sissy?”
“Rude,” Eddie scoffed with a smile. “Of course I’m going to be there. I want to play against you this week. Kick your ass. Someone needs to bruise that big boy ego of yours, Thomas.”
“My ego? Let’s talk about yours! You think you’re the sh*t just because you played in high school. Need I remind you that the last time you played in a game, you got barrelled over by someone with less muscle mass than you?”
“Okay, that’s not fair! I wasn’t paying attention when that happened! Don’t drag poor Buck into our testosterone competition, Tommy. He was playing a good game. Unlike you.”
Tommy rolled his eyes with a smile. “You’re unbelievable. Evan, tell him how crazy he is.”
Eddie watched Buck’s gaze snap up from his glass of beer. Almost immediately, Eddie realized that Buck was never listening to their conversation. He took note of that. “Oh, uh… Yeah, sure. I guess. Sorry, what were you talking about?”
“Eddie and I are having a pissing contest about pickup basketball,” Tommy replied, running a hand through Buck’s hair and resting it on the back of his neck. “I’m trying to turn you against him.”
“Basketball… I don’t know why you two care so much about that game. It’s kind of boring.”
“Oh Buck, you don’t understand how fun it can be,” Eddie teased. “Basketball is a lot of fun.”
“You’re biased!” Tommy exclaimed. “You played in school. Though, from what I’ve heard, you sucked.”
“I did not! I was really good-”
“Tommy, I can’t do this.”
—
Oh God, did I really just say that out loud?
Eddie and Tommy’s gazes turned to face Buck, who was looking at Tommy with so much contempt. It didn’t take him long to realize that Eddie had set him up, after they showed up and Tommy’s truck was already here. At first, Buck was just going to deal with it. If they had a few drinks together and hung out, Buck was hoping things were going to be okay.
Then Eddie and Tommy fell into their little world, and forgot he existed, and Buck was over it. He couldn’t deal with them ignoring him anymore, but wanted to wait until he figured out why it bothered him so much. Something was different about the way he felt now, rather than before Tommy kissed him.
Tommy and Eddie weren’t staring at each other with hearts in their eyes, which was a huge relief. They were bantering back and forth, just as friends did. Best friends. They were talking about a topic that only they shared a love for (Buck hates basketball. He can’t comment on their conversation; call him a hypocrite, though, but them talking about something he can’t relate to made him very jealous). Their laugh was the same. Their body language was the same, with the only difference being Tommy’s arm slung around his shoulder, his hand resting on the back of Buck’s neck. Nothing was out of the ordinary, but Buck could feel the difference in his jealousy.
Then he saw Eddie’s eyes on his when he said, out of the blue, “Tommy, I can’t do this.” He could have cared less about what Tommy’s face looked like at that moment. Eddie’s shock meant more to Buck. Eddie’s eyes being on him made him feel a lot less jealous.
The string is pulling.
“Can’t do what, Love?” Tommy asked, turning his head to look at Buck. “What’s the matter, Evan?”
“I can’t…” Buck waved his hand, suddenly at a loss for words. What was he supposed to say to them? Without sounding like a crazy, jealous boyfriend–ex-boyfriend, now–who is bitter that he isn’t the center of attention anymore. It’s not a good look on him, and Buck knew it. “This. You two. I can’t take it anymore.”
“Us?” Eddie asked, and Buck wanted to sob at the way his gaze was filled with hurt. You’re hurting him, Buck. How could you do that? “What did we do, Buck?”
“This!” Buck didn’t mean to snap. But Eddie was being so oblivious. So frustrating. “You two are always together! Are you sure that Tommy is dating me? Because the way you guys act together makes me wonder otherwise! When you’re not together, you’re ignoring me in favor of talking to each other. When you are together and I’m around, like right now, you talk about things I can’t relate to. You pretend I’m not here. I can’t take being invisible anymore!”
“Evan, you're not invisible…” Tommy murmured, and God, Buck felt evil. He felt like a horrible person for doing this now. Tommy's expression hurt. “We were just talking about basketball… You know I love you, and I care so much about you.” I hate the way it sounds coming from you. “I'm sorry you've felt that way…”
“I can’t,” Buck repeated, standing from his seat and walking away from the gathering. He could hear the confusion slipping from their mouths. He could see in his head how their eyes locked, drowning in that same confusion. He felt bad–no, he felt terrible for doing that; for making a scene with Tommy, ending their relationship before it ever got started, all because he couldn’t handle his own jealousy.
In the back of his mind, Buck recalled the time when Ravi said in the firetruck, on the way to a call, “women flee you? Routinely?” It took a lot out of him to scoff. I flee men too, Ravi. I’m a disaster.
—
Buck spent weeks after breaking up with Tommy thinking about why he did it. The first day, the morning after, he called Eddie in a frenzy, tears rolling down his cheeks and voice broken from the pain of losing Tommy so soon after getting with him. Eddie talked him down, reminding him of their conversation the night Buck came out to him: “I told you that he’s an idiot if he doesn’t love you for you. I don’t know what happened to make you explode like that last night, but if he holds a grudge, then he’s stupid.”
Hours after that conversation, Buck spiraled again. But that time, he spiraled for a completely different reason. That conversation tugged on the invisible strings around Buck’s wrist. It was like the universe was screaming at him, but he just couldn’t place what it was.
Weeks later, Tommy came around to formally apologize to him. He ended up staying and they talked. Really talked, and Buck realized just how much he didn’t like Tommy. Tommy was a great guy! Kind, caring, considerate, everything Buck wanted from someone who swore to love him. However, Tommy just didn’t fill that empty hole in his heart that has been around for years. He thought Tommy filled it, but after breaking up with him and having a few weeks to think, Buck realized that Tommy just wasn’t it.
They were better off as friends. He and Tommy came to that mutual agreement, much to Buck’s relief. As awkward as it was to be friends with an ex, this ex wasn’t Abby, or Ali, or Natalia. Tommy cared about Evan, not just his job or his beliefs.
Tommy was the one to convince Buck to talk to Eddie about what happened. It was a welcome suggestion, and for once, Buck wasn’t feeling conflicted or nervous about the idea of talking to Eddie. So he invited Eddie over, with the promise of dinner being cooked for him upon arrival.
“God, that smells good,” Eddie sighed, stepping into Buck’s apartment after using the key Buck gave him (he gave it to Eddie a long time ago, after the tsunami. He struggled so badly with nightmares, and needed Eddie at a moment’s notice sometimes, but was too paralyzed to get out of bed most nights). “Buck, my God, Bobby needs to be paid for the cooking lessons he’s giving you.”
“You do realize it’s not all Bobby, right?” Buck joked, looking at Eddie with a smile. The first genuine smile in weeks. “I knew how to cook before meeting him. I’ve lived a million lives.”
“I’m standing by my statement. Bobby is definitely to blame for it. It always smells so incredible in this apartment, and it’s all thanks to his handiwork.”
“Okay,” Buck scoffed, whipping the towel on his shoulder out to smack Eddie’s arm playfully. “You’re mean to me.”
“And yet, I still have a key to your apartment. Obviously you don’t hate me that much.”
Buck shook his head with a smile, turning back to his kitchen to check the dish in his oven. He didn’t need to check it, actually, but instead he needed a reason to look anywhere else but at Eddie. His smile was always contagious, but Buck was in his I hate being single and I’m desperate phase post-Tommy, so he didn’t want to be tempted.
Still, he knew he needed to break the ice, start this conversation before he got too far into his head and didn’t. “Hey… Uh, this dinner was kind of a ploy for me to have a chance to apologize to you.”
“You’ve been apologizing a lot lately,” Eddie commented. Buck turned just in time to see him take a sip from his beer, and totally ignored how his stomach fluttered when Eddie looked him up and down. “Since when do you apologize for every little thing, Buck?”
“It’s for running out on that dinner the other week. You know… With you, me, and Tommy. Not only did I cause a scene, but I yelled at both of you unfairly. I’ve already apologized to Tommy, and now it was your turn. So, I’m sorry.”
“Buck, really, it’s okay. It didn’t bother me. It was a little bit of a deja vu moment, but I stand by what I said the first time you were jealous of Tommy and I. It had nothing to do with you. He and I are just friends. We’ve been just friends since the cruise ship.”
“I know that… And I’ll tell you what I told Tommy the night he kissed me. I mean, you already know this, but… I tend to take issues that aren’t about me and make them about me. It’s a me problem.”
“Buck, you didn’t make anything about you. You were just feeling left out-”
“It’s something I’ve been trying to work on with Doctor Copeland,” Buck continued, cutting Eddie off; he was pretty bad at rambling when he felt he needed to justify his actions. It was something he picked up as a child. Little Evan Buckley, trying to justify his actions to Philip and Margaret Buckley, only to be stared at like he wasn’t there, or punished as if he had committed a murder. That same irrational fear followed him into adulthood, and though he had made a ton of progress on it, that need to justify, to explain himself away, was still a part of him. “I want to fix that part of myself so bad, Eddie. I hate being a jealous little school girl. I’m thirty-two years old and still get jealous over you having another friend!”
“Buck, please, just relax a second-”
Buck had to ignore Eddie’s concern. It wasn’t pity, but it was concern for nothing. This was his issue to tackle, not Eddie’s. “Once again, I let myself get into my head, and it almost made me lose some of the most important people in my life. Tommy wormed his way in and I don’t want to let him go, but at the same time I’m afraid of letting him in so quickly because it's new. And you? I tried pushing you away again, and the thought of losing you kills me.”
“Buck-”
“Losing you kills me, Eddie! I can’t live this life without you. I’ve always believed in the invisible string theory. Do you know what that theory is, Eddie? It’s the theory that every single person has their person to meet in this world. The universe ties you to someone and, somehow, someway, brings those people together. I didn’t want to believe it at first, but I think I have two invisible strings. First I was sure I had one with you, but then it disappeared and moved to Tommy, but then I felt two of them tugging me in two different directions, and I realized that the pull to you was stronger than the pull to Tommy. The universe brought him and I together to be friends, but-”
“Buck.”
Hands gently grabbed him at the base of his jaw, spreading out to sit on both his neck and his cheeks. Buck’s eyes snapped back into focus to see Eddie very close. Touching him. Holding him and smiling with so much… Something. Buck’s heart began to race. Before his brain could process their proximity, Eddie’s lips were on his, and sparks flew so high that Buck felt lightheaded. As they flew, everything made sense.
Strong hands, a smooth-as-honey voice with a sense of humor that perfectly complemented Buck’s own, and hair that could be slicked back with gel, if the occasion arose. Pretty hazel eyes, a house that feels more like home than anywhere he’s ever been. A co-parent, a child he’s come to love as his own, a partner on and off the job.
Through being crushed by a firetruck, a pulmonary embolism, a tsunami, a mudslide, being shot by a sniper, being held hostage, being struck by lightning, it was him. It’s always been him. He’s always been there.
Then Eddie slowly pushed them apart, and Buck was in that same daze all over again. Except this time, he had the brains to say, “...It’s always been you…”
“You wouldn’t stop talking yourself into a spiral…” Eddie said quietly, then chuckled a bit. “I was trying to tell you something, but I figured showing it was a bit more important.”
“You were trying to…”
“Yes, Buck, I was trying to tell you that Frank and I have been working through things… After you told me about you and Tommy, I started asking a lot of questions. Seeing you with him, hearing you talk about him and him talk about you all the time… It angered me. I wasn’t angry at you, but I guess the circ*mstance.”
“You… I… What?...”
“Let me finish, yeah? Anyway, I went to Frank and ranted about it for a few sessions, and he and I finally came to a conclusion a few nights ago. I was just waiting for the right moment for something to happen. Or, for the right moment to say something.”
The invisible string was pulling hard. Buck had to shake out his wrist to avoid the phantom pain of cutting off blood circulation.
“And, before you get into that pretty little head of yours, Tommy and I have talked about this already. He isn’t upset with me dating his ex, and he still wants to be a friend to both of us. Actually, he told me he wants to be our gay guardian, whatever that means.”
Buck couldn’t help but giggle. Tommy was always pretty funny, but that was outlandish. So in character for him. “Let him live his fantasies of teaching us the ways of being who we are. He wants to be helpful.”
“Oh, so now it’s okay for this friendship to be a triangle!” Eddie teased, placing his hands on Buck’s waist. Buck’s heart fluttered again. His stomach did flips. Eddie’s hands belonged on his waist. “It took me kissing the breath out of you for you to admit it?”
“No… It took me admitting to myself that my feelings for Tommy were actually feelings for you. They’ve been there for so long, and I completely ignored them. I convinced myself that we would only be friends, and I didn’t want to lose you. Then Tommy kissed me, and I thought that solved all of my problems. Everything suddenly made sense, you know? He kissed me, and the puzzle pieces locked into place. But then he said he loved me at that dinner we all went to, and… It felt wrong, you know? Like it wasn’t meant to come from his mouth. I think now I know why it sounded wrong coming from him. It was supposed to come from you.”
“I saw the way you grimaced when he said that. And, by the way, I’m a firm believer in the invisible string theory. I felt the string pull me towards you that first day I joined the team, but I thought it was a platonic string. Some people have two strings, and I assumed ours was platonic and my romantic one was yet to make its appearance. But then you got with Tommy, and everything felt wrong. Kissing you, right now, confirms that our string wasn’t platonic. It’s more than that.”
Buck thought the breath was going to be knocked out of his lungs. Every word Eddie said to him were carbon copies of the thoughts in his own head. Tommy just wasn’t right as his boyfriend, and after kissing Eddie, he was sure that Tommy’s place in his life was meant to be as a friend. Eddie was meant to be more.
“You know…” Buck said, raising his arms to wrap them around Eddie’s neck, “Tommy being my boyfriend never felt right. It wasn’t the right name. But you? Eddie Diaz being my boyfriend? I like how that sounds…”
Buck melted under Eddie’s snarky smile. He’d come to adore that smile. “I think Evan Buckley being my boyfriend sounds good too.”
The rest of the night was taken over by a stream of kisses and ignored texts from Tommy, cheering them on from his shift in the pilot hangar.
